John Boehner

“I promised the President today that I wouldn’t say anything bad about this piece of shit bill.”

Rep. John Boehner, also known as the DC devil, is a strong contender for the longest swinging dick in our nation’s Capitol. With the poise and deep red coat of a Bavarian mountain hound, known connoisseur of the finest booze and the most filtered of cigarettes, as well as runner up in the Don Draper look-alike contest, his fellow members in the House probably don’t know whether to shit or die when he walks onto the floor. 

The New York Times tried to run a hit story on him titled, “A GOP Leader Tightly Bound to Lobbyists.” Bound, indeed: deep in their loins. 

In a city that is basically a stocked lake for the avid sportsfucker, any man deep in the killin’ it game knows that hot female lobbyists are a top prize. Why? Because this is a typical lunch for John Boehner: Lobbyist pays for elegant meal at highly exclusive restaurant, followed by mind-blowing sexual acrobatics in a suite at the Four Seasons. And then as a sign of gratitude, she throws him first class tickets to Scotland – so he can play St. Andrews on her client’s dime.  John Boehner is at such an evolved stage of killin’ it, his perfectly tailored suits might as well be crotchless.

“I taught Tiger everything he knows.”

John Boehner is one of twelve children raised by a bartender in rural Ohio. Now he plays golf 119 days of the year and is poised to become Speaker of the House. He also has a pass that allows him to smoke his ultra-light menthols literally anywhere he wants and it’s almost incomprehensible that people were killin’ it before he came along to show them how.

"Don't let those little punk staffers take advantage of you."