Thursday, September 30, 2010

John Boehner

“I promised the President today that I wouldn’t say anything bad about this piece of shit bill.”

Rep. John Boehner, also known as the DC devil, is a strong contender for the longest swinging dick in our nation’s Capitol. With the poise and deep red coat of a Bavarian mountain hound, known connoisseur of the finest booze and the most filtered of cigarettes, as well as runner up in the Don Draper look-alike contest, his fellow members in the House probably don’t know whether to shit or die when he walks onto the floor. 

The New York Times tried to run a hit story on him titled, “A GOP Leader Tightly Bound to Lobbyists.” Bound, indeed: deep in their loins. 

In a city that is basically a stocked lake for the avid sportsfucker, any man deep in the killin’ it game knows that hot female lobbyists are a top prize. Why? Because this is a typical lunch for John Boehner: Lobbyist pays for elegant meal at highly exclusive restaurant, followed by mind-blowing sexual acrobatics in a suite at the Four Seasons. And then as a sign of gratitude, she throws him first class tickets to Scotland – so he can play St. Andrews on her client’s dime.  John Boehner is at such an evolved stage of killin’ it, his perfectly tailored suits might as well be crotchless.

“I taught Tiger everything he knows.”

John Boehner is one of twelve children raised by a bartender in rural Ohio. Now he plays golf 119 days of the year and is poised to become Speaker of the House. He also has a pass that allows him to smoke his ultra-light menthols literally anywhere he wants and it’s almost incomprehensible that people were killin’ it before he came along to show them how.

"Don't let those little punk staffers take advantage of you."

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Pete Doherty

“One minute I'm waiting for Kate to arrive to join me in the Jacuzzi for a romantic evening. The next thing I can remember is doing cold turkey in a vomit-filled cell.”

When it comes to innovations in the art of killin’ it, the music world is a formidable incubator. However, one strong contemporary stand out is the former Babyshambles and Libertines front man, Pete Doherty.  Doherty is without question a man who can put a big check next to all of the following; sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll. 

He also sports a rap sheet that would make any American hip hop artist cut his dick off in shame: Making his cats smoke crack, grand theft auto, breaking and entering - and, in a killin' it innovation that would make 1983 Rick James weep with pride, was arrested during a drunk driving trial - for bringing drugs to court.

Additionally, he also dated Kate Moss, which is pretty impressive when you consider the fact he spends most of his time looking like an aborted fetus strung out on meth.  And despite all that, Doherty routinely treated Moss with a healthy dose of disinterest and a strong dedication to killin’ it – not to their relationship.  Just ask him why he dated her; “I'm 300 grand in debt. Why do you think I'm going out with Kate Moss?”

Doherty really sums it up best; “A lot of people basically are obsessed with the missus and I don't know really ... she's just a bird from South London.”

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Roger Sterling

"I’ve been living the last twenty years like I’m on shore leave.”

He may not be Mad Men’s leading man, but when it comes to killin’ it, Roger Sterling is definitely guilty of genocide.  Be it surviving successive heart attacks, riding a pair of hot twins bareback, slamming Joan Holloway, or serenading his new trophy wife with a face covered in shoe polish he always keeps his goal in mind: totally fucking killin’ it.  As he says, “Jets are made for dropping bombs on Moscow, not French cuisine.”

The women of Roger Sterling:

And it’s not merely that his joie de tuer lies in a rakish lasciviousness, Roger Sterling is a wordsmith capable of deep thought and emotion.  Consider the moment after his first heart attack when he explains his true feelings to Joan; "Look, I want to tell you something because you're very dear to me and I hope you understand it comes from the bottom of my damaged, damaged heart. You are the finest piece of ass I ever had and I don't care who knows it. I am so glad I got to roam those hillsides."

Yet Sterling is not a man lost in the excessive feminine indulgence of one’s passions and emotions.  Take for example his exchange with Don concerning one of the agency's accounts; Don Draper: "Let me ask you something... what do women want?" Roger Sterling: "Who cares?"

"Remember Don…when God closes a door, he opens a dress."