Prince

"When I want to hear good music, I write it myself.”

What do you get the man who has everything? That is the trivial question the hoi polloi ponder as they move ignorantly through life without realizing that only one man truly has it all:  The finest velvet suits. A harem of women so enamored with you that they literally let you change their names because you can't be bothered to remember them otherwise. Multiple Grammys, tons of platinum albums, and an Oscar. The genius to play literally any instrument. The ability to communicate with angels. A guitar that is modeled after your dick.  Prince truly has the killin'-it trade on lockdown.

“I've got more hits than Madonna's got kids.”

Born in Minneapolis, it is rumored that Prince came out of the womb with a full head of Jheri curled hair, the ability to ride motorcycles, and a guitar which he played as he seduced a nurse. It appeared to be a pattern: When he was sixteen, Prince's father caught him messing around with some hot Midwestern babe and kicked him out of the house. Which didn't really matter because his demo was already garnering a ton of buzz and record labels were fighting to sign the young prodigy. When you're sixteen and killin' it, record executives get on your casting couch, not the other way around.  

With a hugely talented backing band (including the notoriously pimping Morris Day) and a bordello of groupies consisting of the choicest young suburban high school dropouts looking to make their fathers have heart attacks, Prince headed to the Record Plant in Sausalito – where Fleetwood Mac recorded, and where artists were still finding 8-balls and pairs of Stevie Nicks’ underwear from the Rumours sessions hidden in Mick Fleetwood’s bass drums – and made his debut. He played every instrument on the album, which included a song called “Soft & Wet,” which is what every woman on earth was after they listened to the album. Besides hitting the charts, there was a lost generation of mysteriously tan and sexy children born in Marin County around 1977.

“It took five women to getcha off of my mind…”

Prince has slept with Kim Basinger, Madonna, Carmen Electra, Anna Fantastic, Apollonia, every woman born in Minnesota before 1993, a large percentage of Eastern Europe, and your mom. In a move that can only be described as saucy, Prince gave Electra, Fantastic, and Apollonia their names because he hadn't yet slept with anyone named Carmen Electra, Anna Fantastic, or Apollonia, although he had slept with Anna Electra, Carmen Fantastic, and twins named Saturnalia & Plutonium.  During a concert in 1984 every woman in attendance along with a handful of men were impregnated after Prince played Purple Rain.

“People say I'm wearing heels because I'm short. I wear heels because the women like 'em.”

Prince changed his name to an unpronounceable symbol and played a guitar fashioned after it that looked like a huge cock at the Super Bowl – after Janet Jackson had caused a furor by showing her nipples. And in a killer move that deserves much praise, he caused Tipper Gore, who is a boring prude and famous for being married to a robot that gives PowerPoint presentations, to start her tyrannical effort to censor music after she caught her daughter listening to "Darling Nikki," a poetic ode to the legions of women named Nikki that he slept with.

If you ever want to try and swim in Prince’s wake, just follow the trail of discarded panties and men's size eight high-heeled boot prints to the velvet mansion on the mystical shores of Lake Minnetonka.