Sunday, October 3, 2010

This week in the world of killin’ it.

Justin Murdoch, heir to the Dole pineapple empire, is back again after a stint spent slamming Avril Lavigne.  Murdoch first cut his teeth in the killin’ game by getting into a bar room brawl with oil heir Brandon “Greasy Bear” Davis a few years ago, and has really stepped it up since.  A suit filled by Carissa Schumacher, a former employee of Murdoch, alleges that among other things the pineapple heir, “Forced her to open a Facebook account for him under the name ‘Cobra McJingleballs’ …  Demanded she buy flights and hotel rooms for young ‘interns’ he planned to feature in ads for NovaRx… [and] Defined her job as being ‘under my desk sucking my dick.’” We’re guessing she’s probably just upset he stopped sleeping with her.  For us the verdict is clear: definitely guilty of killin’ it.


"Guilty to all charges, your honor."

The title of this article pretty much says it all.  But the details are that Goldman Sachs Director, Rick Kimball – basically a real life Patrick Bateman on PCP, is being kicked out of his apartment building after hosting a series of nude parties and “Numerous video tapes of him getting it on in the elevators and countless all night raves with flowing champagne and scantily clad nymphs, often on work nights.”  Killers have no time for contrition, so Kimball is accordingly planning a blowout naked Halloween party. They don’t know it yet, but his neighbors are definitely going to miss him when he’s gone.


“You'll have to excuse me, I have a lunch meeting with Cliff Huxtable at the Four Seasons in 20 minutes.”

Sometimes there’s a price that comes with killin’ it and it looks like New York property developer, Tevfik Arif, is going to have to pay that price.  The international killin’ it superstar had his mega-yacht raided by local authorities with helicopters in the Med off the coast of Turkey on the grounds that Arif was running a $10,000 a night prostitution ring off of his boat.  His guests/clients were caught en flagrante delicto,which is about right when you’re killin’ it on the high seas. 


“Haters gonna hate.”


When killin’ it kills you.

I don’t think this needs much explanation, but Jimi Heselden – coal-miner-turned-inventor-turned-owner-of-Segway and basically the apotheosis of the coolest grandfather some little shit with zits could ever have, was obviously out on his off-road segway, probably working on some new awesome tricks that we’ll never get to know about, died when he tried to jump his segway across a gorge.  R.I.P. killer.


Jure Robic is essentially the Mike Tyson of endurance bicycling.  He rode across the entire United States, approximately 3,000 miles, in nine days, all the while attacking mailboxes along the way or fleeing form hordes of mujahedeen riding black horses – depending on how badly he was hallucinating due to exhaustion.  Unfortunately, Jure’s killin’ it lifestyle came to an abrupt stop this week when plowed head-on into an ’83 Peugeot while bombing down a mountain road in Slovenia.  Hopefully Jure’s now killin’ it from the sky.


Killin' it.

2 comments:

  1. Bro that first picture is Greasy Bear Davis himself. Might I suggest replacing it with this picture of Murdock hanging with Steven Fucking Tyler himself:
    http://www.showbiz411.com/2009/11/10/20091110aerosmith-steven-tyler-erin-brady

    - P

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