Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Warren Buffett

Killin’ it is like lead pipes: It is the rare soul who drinks deep from the reservoir of wisdom, accumulating the trophies but avoiding the degeneracy that follows. Warren Buffett is that rare soul – probably because he only drinks Coke poured from platinum fountains.

“I always knew I was going to be rich. I don't think I ever doubted it for a minute.”

When Warren Buffett jumped onto the killin’ scene, he did it by driving himself there in a sumptuous but understated Cadillac. Perplexed by the modesty, many didn’t notice the millions of dollars that flew into the streets as he drove by. That’s because Warren slams Cadillac doors at only the most private of airports, hopping on his jet, The Indefensible, to play some bridge with his main man Bill Gates.  Known to pound a Cherry Coke and eat a box of See’s while lounging on his NetJet- he is the largest investor in one, and the owner of the others – Warren kills it in such a rarified way he makes Larry Ellison feel poor and gives wedgies to Mike Bloomberg if he even tries to hang.  He’s called the Oracle of Omaha, and that’s fitting because he bought Berkshire Hathaway in the sixties portending the time he slammed Anne Hathaway at a retreat in the Berkshires in 2006

As he said then: “A girl in a convertible is worth five in the phonebook.”

“Now you’re my prisoner of love, Susan Lucci.”

“I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.” Warren isn’t just about his money. He is about keeping it real, which means running Omaha in a major way. If he isn’t personally checking the 85,000 carats worth of diamonds at his jewelry shop, Borsheim’s, he is probably disowning some recalcitrant family member who insults his intelligence by offering anything other than billion-dollar ideas. He’s devoted a huge chunk of his fortune to helping others because he knows what happens when you hand down money along with killer genes: Justin Murdock. As he said, “Someone's sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago.” Translation: Suck it, kids – old people are fucking killin’ it. 

In his younger days he kept a harem befitting a man of such refinement: His wife hooked him up with his girlfriend, but he kept his wife on board just for decorum’s sake. With Buffett killin’ it is so sophisticated, it’s little wonder mere millionaires make him feel like he just stumbled into a bazaar in Kampala.

“You know, Ludacris, I really didn’t ‘get’ Crash.”

“Risk comes from not knowing what you're doing.” Warren Buffett speaks killin’ it, and he tries to convey his skills to the thousands of mortals who gather at his shareholders conference every year to hear him drop wisdom. His game is so deep you have to own a Class A share (current value: $123,186) to even begin to comprehend it, but he’ll let peons give it a try at $82 a pop for some Class B action. Either way, science has proven just one trip to Omaha imparts as much game as four Pete Doherty shows. His number one trait: Be competent. Number two: Have pockets so heavy you risk breaking your foot every time you drop your pants. Number three: When you wave your dick at Carlos Slim, remember that chupar means blow me, in Spanish.

“I found the women in South Beach to be rather distasteful, LeBron.”

No comments:

Post a Comment